Podcast Fatboy

One of the only pro-Fast-Food fitness podcasts in the business. Hosted by a declining commercial sweetheart with a goofy mind, actor Matt Duncan talks about his own health journey and investigates various current health and fitness topics with skepticism and wonder. He's committed to trying to be fit, but loves Big Macs. Take it easy on yourself, this world is frigging nuts.

Product Review: Amazon’s Compact Folding Exercise Bike

Leave a comment

Cost: $1789.00 plus free shipping! (I’d fucking hope so!)

⭐☆☆☆☆

Okay. First question: What the hell is this?

After weeks of agonizing on Amazon over what exercise bike I should pick to replace the FB 150, this bike was never even remotely close to being in contention. But somehow, to my amazement, I stumbled upon it across the first few pages of exercise bikes. No reviews, no ratings, no questions. A cost that is too close to that of a Peloton. Its model shape and look is comparable to an under-the-desk exercise pedaller, something that you can get between $50 and $150. I was so curious as to why someone would put this into the market at such a high cost, so I submitted the usual questions to the manufacturer: “Is this a straight-up joke?” “Have you ever sold one of these? Tell us the truth.” “Seriously, what is this?”

IMG_0151

I’ll give it one positive. It looks cool as fuck. It reminds of a measuring tape that seamstresses use. The seat looks like it’s, without a doubt, the most uncomfortable bike seat ever. Maybe it’s some kind of high grade Casper foam? It feels like something I’d have to lodge directly between my crack, balancing my anus on the thin rectangular seat as I try to avoid falling off.

IMG_0152

You’ve gotta appreciate a classic “color” like white. In fact, the three colors it offers are neon yellow, white and black. Technically none of those are classic colors, but two are classic shades? Look, we can argue all day about whether black and white are colors or if it’s just easier to call them colors. If they included a red or blue, I wouldn’t even question it.

The model depicted above is having a great time taking selfies or face-timing her boyfriend who works at a club (fitness or dance– take your pick, you know it’s true). The only problem is she’s not showing off this cool new exercise bike. How would we ever know what was going on down below?  It actually is the perfect image for this bike, as it does not hide the fact that the model (in the only image demonstrating the bike being used) doesn’t seem to give a shit about actually exercising.

“Strengthen the body design, weighing 100 kgs (aka 220 lbs).” I can’t imagine anyone over 110 pounds even attempting to use this thing. I will say, one of my other early thoughts when I first saw this was “Japan.” It seems like the perfect idea for a smaller stature’d person living in a small space.

“Silence does not disturb” sounds so meta. Silence does not disturb, so we should always be striving for any form of silence in our day-to-day lives, and in death and life and death and be free. Easy storage is the only thing we’re not being lied to about. I can just feel the disappointment from the 8-speed resistance.

IMG_0153

Back to sound. It’s super important to me in regards to purchasing a new exercise bike. I’ve never seen a chart that quite exemplifies the level of quiet that I’m striving for. Not exactly the sound of flowering. Dear boy, that’s much too quiet. I can deal with it being as loud as the friction sound of branches (what?) You know when you cover your floor with branches and drag your socks over it to get a little sparky? That sound is fine. But if I feel like I’m in a non-shushed library or an office or even worse, an ordinary chat? I’m sending this back. A phone ringing? Or the loudest thing on earth, the car? My ears aren’t meant to bleed.

IMG_0154

Okay, they are speaking my language with the millimeters. It’s how I like to measure most large things. Is it really fair that I’m being so critical about a bike that I haven’t purchased or tested out? Maybe. There is something really fun about this compact little bike, even if it is close to 2 grand. But I do have to give it one star because, if you buy it, congratulations. You’re one of the dumbest people on the planet. Your ideals are a mess. Money has no literal value to you. You might as well buy a knife and fork that plugs into the wall to warm your food while eating, or maybe inflatable weights that you fill up with piss after you drank lead-filled water, you know, to make those weights heavier.

In conclusion, finding the right exercise bike on Amazon is a nightmare, so make sure you’re ready to do some parkour over truly dumb and expensive innovations.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s